“You’re getting older” “It’s getting colder too.” “Remember those days we used to drink the night away?” “A land & time lost somewhere in the contours of spacetime, but alive in my head” “Remember that exuberance of youth?” “Remember having the world at your feet?” “It all seems like a distant memory” There are still flashes of it – A glance at the time. 30 minutes past midnight, December 9th, 2023.
Back then there was no time to contemplate purpose & what I wanted to work on. Back then it was all about class getting done. Changing into my kit, packing my boots & heading to the football pitch. Play for 2 hours. Some slick passes, pass & move, create space, draw some players in, dribble & play a teammate through, nice touches, maybe a finish or two – a free kick from 25 yards going in on a good day. Take a rickshaw or walk back, replaying the game back in my head, trying to recollect the stand-out moments. Stop by Open Bar & buy a pint – only if I had a good game. Only if I lived up to my abilities & potential. Only if I delivered on the pitch. Only if I made an impact. Only if I had a good game – Drag a plastic chair onto the penthouse terrace, take in the view, sit there staring into the sky, sip, smoke, “ahh that was a good game Gaurav, you earned this pint today evening.”
Then a quick shower, wear the oversized t-shirt & shorts(my style back then), wear the footwear (shoes on weekends, slippers on weekdays). Hit the console at Dee. Sometimes a quick meal at Coffee House before, so that the Old Monk quarter wouldn’t hit as much as on an empty tank. Just a quarter & a 10-pack of Classic Milds on those nights, keep it balanced, don’t get too fucked up, you have a job to do, make everybody enjoy the music, keep the first table behind the counter reserved for the gang, make sure you manage the night & the music well enough, make sure all the pub-goers have a good time, make sure you handle the drunk women coming to you all sloshed & don’t let them sit on your lap & take them home like when you’re fucked up, keep it calm, play as many requests as possible, even if you hate the fucking Hindi songs. Things were simpler. Maybe smoke a bit with the MPL-BOM crew on the wall outside, just catch up and ask everyone how’s it going. Go back in, play until pub close, make sure there aren’t any fights, or too much drunken bullshit by the end of the night. Play that last song.
Things were simpler then. Things were much simpler. Where have these last 10 years gone? That movie monologue keeps playing in my head
If Metallica’s song “Sad But True” ever held a movie metaphor to define it, it’s this monologue. Times have changed. Life has happened. And life continues to happen.
There was this lady back there in that town. A real lady. A classy one. She wouldn’t fawn or make it obvious that she liked me. She would smile & talk & criticize me, but she would smile. It was a bit of an unspoken affection. But it was playful, but I could see it in her eyes. At that time, I was young and idiotic. I was getting high. Getting high… There were others. So I didn’t give her as much attention as I should’ve. I liked her, and we both liked each other but I didn’t make a move. One day she came to the second floor at another pub in the town, after one of our exams, she had a travel bag, and I was pretty buzzed, she said, “Gaurav, can you help carry my bag?” I carried it down, her taxi was waiting, she hugged me & smiled as she left.
That was one of the last times I remember seeing her. 3 years later, I found out she had died. She met with a bike accident. I tried to get myself to cry when I heard the news. I tried. But, I did my crying in the bottles & bottles I drank that year. It was over before it even started. I never got the chance to tell her how much I liked her. But her smile remains in my memory. I like to think of her as a guardian angel now. “May stars align & light your way…….”
My beloved grandmother died this year too. She was 80. It was so sad. She died just a week after turning 80. But she did get to see all of her children & grandchildren; we celebrated her 80th in some style. I even performed for the attendees of the function, some 80-100 odd people. I sang Eddie Vedder & Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan’s “The Long Road”. It was my parting gift to her. But those lyrics go deep. Those lyrics “I have wished for so long, how I wish for you today” “All the friends & family, all the memories going, round, round round.” I’ve felt that song & those lyrics for so many people & will continue to. But that morning it was for my grandfather & my uncle as I sang it for my grandmom. But just a week later. It was for her. I’m playing it again now. I’ve just opened YouTube & I’m playing it right now.
It was my parting gift to her. My 1st live performance on the guitar for a crowd. She smiled at me after I finished it. And said to me in Tamil “rhomba areymeyana irndide”, or “it was very beautiful”. I left a poem in my book that I released this year for my grandmom w/ my most vivid memories of her. Especially when I got chicken pox, and she sat by my side through the night while I was in pain & massaged my wounds with leaves. The chicken pox also spread inside my throat, so I couldn’t even eat properly, but she fed me tiny bits of food & applied some cream onto a wet cloth & massaged my chicken pox rashes. She was so full of love. For everyone. Another guardian angel too.
It’s been 2 years sober now. I feel great. But there’s so much sense of loss. Which I’m unable to feel or comprehensively or cohesively comprehend or feel or emote. That it’s over before it even started thing, seems to be a pervading theme in my life. But here I am. I’ve come a long way. I should pat myself on the back. Appreciate how far I’ve come. And the hits & misses & the personal growth & overcoming so many obstacles, but this sense of loss seems to stick around – which I can’t feel, so these words are a bit of a way of expressing myself. Luckily no bottles. Thankfully. No more bottoms of bottles.
I keep this sunken heart on my sleeve
It drifts in with the moonlight
every now & then – threadbare
But show it not, nor is it aware.
It would be nice for someone to care
It would be nice to share
(These rhymes)
(These times)
It’s been a productive year. Perhaps it wasn’t as productive as 2022 for me. But it was productive. Unfortunately, I had to shut my startup down. The ideas were great. The plan was good. Football. A passion of mine. Football content. An area I’ve spent the bulk of my career. But to monetize written content online is just so very difficult without marketing or a marketing budget. Even if you get 5,000-10,000 hits a day (we were averaging less) you barely make a few cents. Ad revenue is shit unless you have millions of hits. Monetizing content, especially written content in a market as crowded as football is hard without marketing.
But I’ve now understood the importance of marketing. As the marketing books & resources say, as the cliche goes, “Even if you have the best product in the world, if you don’t get it in front of people, it’s of no use”. But marketing is just not my forte. So many of the books I’ve read say that “sales & marketing” are the major things entrepreneurs should focus on.
I’m learning & trying nonetheless. But am I even geared & made up to be an entrepreneur? Should I even keep at this thing? I want certain parts of it. But I don’t want others. Somedays I have the courage & will to put all my time & energy into it, other days I don’t and contemplate less heavy & stressful career options.
So to better understand myself, I did this personality test quiz again. I had done this way back in 2016. But I wanted a better understanding of my personality, my make up & have more detail about it. So I found 16personalities.com & did the test a few days ago. No shocker, just as the results of my taking the test in 2016, the test confirmed that I’m an INTP-T.
The test I took in 2016 also categorized me into the INTP category. But 7 years on, while the category remains the same, this particular website has a trove of resources about it. The INTP category isn’t the most common, in fact, it’s the exact opposite. While I’m far from thinking that I’m a “beautiful & unique snowflake” like Tyler Durden’s dialogue in Fight Club – only 3% of the world’s population fall into this category – the INTP aka the Logician.
I’m more along the lines of Durden’s “all singing, all dancing crap of the world”. But this website does have a lot of resources that hit the nail on the head when it comes to my makeup & interesting suggestions for improvement.
As the introduction states:
Of course, old Al is the most famous logician, but this sort of explained my unending curiosity about reality & existence & love of theoretical physics amongst other things. I’ll just highlight some takeaways here.
“People with this personality type want to understand everything in the universe, but one area in particular tends to mystify them: human nature. As their name suggests, Logicians feel most at home in the realm of logic and rationality. As a result, they can find themselves baffled by the illogical, irrational ways that feelings and emotions influence people’s behavior – including their own. This doesn’t mean that Logicians are unfeeling. These personalities generally want to offer emotional support to their friends and loved ones, but they don’t necessarily know how. And because they can’t decide on the best, most efficient way to offer support, they may hold off on doing or saying anything at all.”
“Logicians could spend all day musing about ideas and possibilities – and they often do. That said, the practical, everyday work of turning those ideas into reality doesn’t always hold their interest. Fortunately, when it comes to dissecting a tricky, multilayered problem and coming up with a creative solution, few personality types can match Logicians’ creative genius and potential.”
So a quick half-WSOT
And when it comes to career & professional work & life:
And yes, this:
When it comes to the ever-eluding <3:
I’ve just begun scratching the surface i.e. these analyses as a base point to understand myself better. And it does explain a lot of things from my intrinsic nature, my habits & the kind of environment & life I crave.
Ideally, I would love to just immerse myself in my music, but at the moment, it isn’t paying the bills. But on the other hand, there’s a lot of tech-related work in terms of problems I’m trying to solve.
Furthermore, this particular article on the website explores how INTPs lead.
But yes, it’s the end of another year. Another year around the sun.
My sister moved out of home this year, she’s working remotely & traveling, something I convinced her to do. Being the brother of a raging bull Taurus like her has been challenging for sure, but it’s also been epic & full of laughs, jokes, banter, jibes, movies, street food, travels & sibling arguments & sibling care. I also convinced her to take up a sport, and she’s chosen badminton. So I’m glad that she listens to me from time to time, especially dropping that vegan shit. Although she’s still in her 20s & easily swayed by other people’s opinions, which I’ve told her she’ll eventually figure out later, she’s someone I can always count on, and I do miss her being around although she does visit every few months.
I did do a lot of work this year, but as this analysis suggests, it wasn’t very challenging or meaningful apart from a few projects. I worked 2 jobs this year, the film critic role was fun, interesting & a welcome change in exploring the art form of film & it got me to delve deeper into cinema & filmmaking. I spent countless hours watching cinema as a kid & in my teens but took a bit of a break from it(not fully but much less than my usual consumption) for a few years. However, the company’s policies were rather regressive. The work I did in football journalism, was also rather uninspiring, and banal & just something I did to understand the company’s content strategy & make some extra cash in a senior role.
I need to work on my projects. My inspirations. My body of work. And stuff that excites me & challenges me. INTP-ing basically.
This year I put out 4 LPs; again I wasn’t happy with them, but the last one that released a couple of days back on 7th Dec was a follow-up to my 2020 EP Lost Cinema, titled Lost Cinema: Part Two(The Sequel) was kinda decent.
I also released my 2nd book titled “Interludes To The Indian Buddha”, as this post’s title image suggests. It’s my take on beat poetry of the 21st-century electronic music generation, several decades after emerging beat poetry of the 1950s & 60s. It’s only available in India at the moment, but I will update the link when it goes live internationally. If you’re in India – You can buy it here.
These remnants aside, there’s a lot of work to be done and a lot of milestones to reach & a lot of work & room for improvement. But one thing I’ve realized is to follow my passions & give my time to people who reciprocate & people who want me around. I’m very introverted, so whatever little time I spend with people, I want to make sure that it’s worthwhile & these people actually want to spend time with me. I’m tired of chasing & wanting certain people who literally don’t give a fuck about me.
I mean I don’t get all these complex things & dynamics & I don’t feel emotions very often, & I can’t play games. I’m overly critical of everything, & I regret so much as it is. But anyway, it’s onward into the next year, in line with a motivational video I created from scratch for Instagram: From stock footage to script, & score.
It was a reminder & reflection for myself more than anything – but I had to make at least one of these motivational videos (haha). I’ve already started on my planned projects for 2024, although at a slow pace. I’ve got to add more skills & knowledge to my arsenal, & several plans & projects need to be accomplished.
Again, there have been some bridges burned, & some new paths & new doors that have opened. Although there were many people around back in college, I still did my thing alone. I’ve always been alone with everybody. But I guess that’s life, you spend most of your time alone, & by yourself, so you’ve got to enjoy it & for me it’s pretty sacred. Especially when I’m by myself with my music gear, & working on some new pieces of music.
It would be nice to share it with a woman of substance (instead of a substance :P) but those bad jokes aside, I’ve grown a lot this year. Every year should be full of growth & learning despite the bumps & plateaus, I guess you need to take a break & a breather every now & then but you need to grow, even if it’s slow progress. Consistency & progress are the key, even if done at a slow pace.
But this year with the conflict in Israel & Palestine, in particular the loss of the lives of children has been a dark blemish on this year. I mean, targetting women & children, especially children is just nothing short of barbaric. At the time of writing this, 7,112 children have been killed. That’s just shocking & so disheartening. We’ve failed as human beings, as a race, because of these war-paper-mongering political leaders. Roger Waters’ “Pigs”, in a nutshell.
According to some perspectives & articles I read online, this entire conflict was engineered if you “follow the money” apparently to build a new canal called The Ben Gurion Canal Project. As per several sources, the new proposed canal would be cheaper & easier to construct if it passed through Gaza. Add one & two… and it kinda makes sense, that this war is for this exact purpose. You can read one of those reports here (More on this to come on my Medium)
But the fact is that to save construction costs & add some billions to the Western economy, we’re seeing mass genocide & war crimes that are inexcusable. The almighty dollar, they say, but at what cost?
This was a poem I shared that typified the sad state of affairs:
I’ve said no to a couple of jobs over the past 2 months. A cushy consulting job in the sports sector at one of the Big 5 & a senior management role at a content start-up. Both jobs would’ve paid me really well. But I didn’t take them. For various reasons…..
INeedToPlan to work on my personal projects. I’d rather aim to achieve what I want to achieve & fail, than not try & take up a comfortable cushy job & then regret not attempting & giving my ambitions a shot for the rest of my life. If it comes to that situation, then I’ll cross the bridge when I get to it.
In some other milestones though, I picked up the trumpet this year, a new instrument that has been a tad bit difficult to learn, but I’ve progressed. I can buzz better, I’ve almost nailed the embouchure although it takes a bit of time & I know a few notes & scales like the Bflat scale. I love spending time on instruments. After you get past the hard bits, it’s really so rewarding.
“Relax, Gaurav, this year has taught you a lot” “Relax, you’ve got this” “It’s taken some time but you’ve become wiser & more responsible” “These conventional ways don’t work for you” “You can do it all by yourself” “You’ve come a long way”
“And which way does the wind blow….. And what does your heart say?”
I’ve been searching for new beginnings. But in every month, every week, every day, in every moment there’s a chance to make it great – or so I hear.
“Wondering who’ll buy me my next electric…..”
(the song plays)
“Should I wear my tux?”
“You can..”
“You’ll have to work for it..”
Words For Reveries 