Instant Crush – It’s a feeling I’ve got, oh don’t ask why

This post is about this girl I’ve liked a lot for a long time and felt that we had a brief connection in all the times we met. Which was far too short. It was something real for sure but I never really got to know her at all. All I’ve got are fragments. I always liked her. I could tell there was some kind of energy drawing me to her. Or maybe it was her eyes. Or how pretty her face looked when she smiled. It was this nascent electricity. But I was clouded by past mistakes. Finding momentary peace in hits from a bong shooter. I was going hard on the bong about 80-100 hits a day just to find peace and be numb. Just to not think. I think she probably thought of me as one hard-mess which I was at that point. I wish we spoke more though.

I wanted to go upto her and tell her that I thought she was cute and I wanted to get to know her. But I didn’t, I just numbed the feelings and the pain down and remained silent. It was simply the case of getting over something. I guess when you completely immerse yourself into loving someone other than yourself there are parts that get left behind.

I missed her when she left the quaint little town I was studying in back in college but I thought it wasn’t quite right for me to tell her that I was attracted to her when I was struggling to let go of someone else. I couldn’t take another whirlwind romance investing everything and then failing again, so I waited to find myself again.

I went to hell and back in the following years and learned to survive. It was harrowing for sure. I was very much a people person and very popular in college because I was the pub DJ for three years. Everybody knew me and I was jovial with everyone. But that’s the thing isn’t it, I thought at that point that that’s how people were, friendly, fun and helpful. But when shit hit the fan for me there was nobody, not a soul.

Nobody cared or even wanted to know where I was or what happened to me or even asked about what I was going through. They began to talk shit and spread slanderous rumours about me which really dent my spirit. People closest to me became strangers and began to avoid and ignore me. I was deeply saddened by all this loss and all the stuff I went through. It was probably the worst few years of my life. I just wish people didn’t form judgements of others.

Especially judgements based on other people’s judgements and opinions. I wish people were more empathetic, understood other people’s perspectives more and thought deeply about things instead of just going by other people’s words. But you can’t change the world, you can only change yourself. The people who have stuck around despite everything are golden, so my faith in the world has been restored. This is for people in general and not her, I’m sure she’s smart enough to form her own informed opinions. She’s really smart and talented.

Anyway coming back, the bottle didn’t leave me, I was drinking heavily every single day for about two years. Just to deal with the pain, the loss, the regret. Every. Single. Day.

I messaged her a few times and I wanted to meet her. But I would get piss drunk and pass out and forget. I hated my thoughts. I would do anything to just not think. After a certain point alcohol did that.

Maybe if I just looked her in the eyes, those beautiful black eyes of hers and dissolve in them, I would find peace and that was the hope. That’s what I look for. It just has to disappear, all the bullshit when I look into a girl’s eyes.

I couldn’t be my true self all the time because of my thoughts. Some of my thoughts made me sick to the core. Until I finally learned and understood that thoughts weren’t me but just random chemical reactions in my brain. But at that stage, I just hadn’t found myself and peace within. I wasn’t at all my true self or at peace and happy. So how could I meet her? I didn’t want her to see me like that.

We connected a few times online and I found out she was in my city so I got her number and made plans to meet but I was in a bad place in the head back then so I didn’t want to go ahead and meet her and maybe that disappointed her. There was always something there but I didn’t realise it, I always had a huge crush on her. I loved her voice and the way she spoke to me, her eyes were magnetic and her hair was perfect. Her smile made me smile inside and her intelligence was something I was very drawn towards the little I met her. I wish I met her more but it didn’t happen. We always met at concerts for some reason. Without ever speaking to each other, it was probably the universe or at least I like to think so.

I remember thinking to myself about how pretty she looked as she moved to the music, She was different and I wanted to get to know her but I didn’t because I was lost in the past and in mistakes and suffering. It was a confusing time for me. She probably heard a lot of shit about me and I didn’t know what she thought about me so I let it slide.

However in the following years, I would still fail a bit more in my business and work but I persevered in the end, I saw the light, I pieced my life back together – by myself, I connected deep within myself, I found my soul. I got completely clean, I had time to think and contemplate and go within because I was out of work for about 3-4 months and that was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Since then I’m just focused on being the best version of myself and doing things that resound with my soul – music and writing. I don’t really need people that much. But it would be nice to find someone to love selflessly other than myself.

I found out from a friend that she was seeing someone and I just sighed and let go, like everything in my life. My thoughts, my experiences, people, the highs and lows, I just let everything go. I tried though and I’m still trying to get through to make her see that what people think of me isn’t true. But it just looks like another closed door and not a new beginning or I just don’t know, which is sad. Because I’ve always thought about this girl at the back of my head and subconsciously in dreams and stuff but never paid any attention to it because of the clouded state of my head. But now that I have much more clarity it’s eye-opening.

Love should be something real for a change, it has to be a real two-way connection on a spiritual level not just physical. I haven’t found that yet because every time I want to get to know someone I come on a bit too strong or something, but that’s just me “To be yourself is all that you can do” – Chris Cornell, RIP.

If I like someone I’m going to let them know assertively because that’s just how I am. I’m sick and tired of taking it slow, thinking about what to say and playing it like a game. I’m sick of mind games, I’m sick off all these social constructed ‘ways’ of doing things. If I feel something I’m going to say it and I’m going to do what I feel. If that’s not good enough or if that’s met with judgement and scorn then I guess she’s not for me. Because I just don’t want to be judged by someone I like a lot. It’s happened to me before so that’s not something I’d like to experience again.

I just wish I was this clear in the head about everything back then, especially when she was in my city. But I guess life is a learning curve and a slow gaining of wisdom by experience. Maybe I just shouldn’t try to love anyone and let it all come to me. You know just be myself, do my thing and let it unfold and happen the way it does.

I’ve been thinking about her a lot for the last eight or nine months for some reason, like every day and hey, this girl is a gem. I don’t know why but I always liken her to Audrey Hepburn for some reason. She’s a star and she can sing, but sadly I’ve never heard her sing. She loves music and Radiohead and that’s a huge connection. Maybe we can’t work things out and meet for whatever reason but at least I tried. I guess I’ll always want to get to know you. She’s a strong, smart, thoughtful, independent and really pretty lady and I wish her all the best.

Congratulations on your recent achievement, I’m sure you put a lot of hard work into it.

Instant Crush.

Take care.

Meet me some time 🙂
We can chill.

The stuff below is for you… dedications #lilbit

PS – I asked a friend for your address to buy flight tickets to Paris and send them to you along with a couple of dresses to wear but he told me you were dating and you blocked me so I guess it’s alright. I think you write really well and much much better than me.

This is another one I wrote in like Feb or Jan or something.

Keep the poems, at least that’s something that’ll make you think of me, for what it’s worth 😉

These are the songs I always thought of you while listening to for some reason:
1.A Perfect Circle – Brena (I always smile when this comes on)
2. The Doors – We could be so good together
3. The Black Keys – Midnight In Her Eyes
4. Richard Ashcroft – On A Beach
5. Porcupine Tree – Blackest Eyes
6. Richard Ashcroft – Weeping Willow
7. The Verve – You and Me
8. Tool – Jimmy( I like to think of 11 as 2011 when I first met you)

They’re all in the playlist I made for you to chill to.

This is a tiny dedication I made for you today and yesterday:

And this is the playlist:

Chill out.

Find peace. Try to not think.

Bye

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