Instant Crush – It’s a feeling I’ve got, oh don’t ask why

This post is about this girl I’ve liked a lot for a long time and felt that we had a brief connection in all the times we met. Which was far too short. It was something real for sure but I never really got to know her at all. All I’ve got are fragments. I always liked her. I could tell there was some kind of energy drawing me to her. Or maybe it was her eyes. Or how pretty her face looked when she smiled. It was this nascent electricity. But I was clouded by past mistakes. Finding momentary peace in hits from a bong shooter. I was going hard on the bong about 80-100 hits a day just to find peace and be numb. Just to not think. I think she probably thought of me as one hard-mess which I was at that point. I wish we spoke more though.

I wanted to go upto her and tell her that I thought she was cute and I wanted to get to know her. But I didn’t, I just numbed the feelings and the pain down and remained silent. It was simply the case of getting over something. I guess when you completely immerse yourself into loving someone other than yourself there are parts that get left behind.

I missed her when she left the quaint little town I was studying in back in college but I thought it wasn’t quite right for me to tell her that I was attracted to her when I was struggling to let go of someone else. I couldn’t take another whirlwind romance investing everything and then failing again, so I waited to find myself again.

I went to hell and back in the following years and learned to survive. It was harrowing for sure. I was very much a people person and very popular in college because I was the pub DJ for three years. Everybody knew me and I was jovial with everyone. But that’s the thing isn’t it, I thought at that point that that’s how people were, friendly, fun and helpful. But when shit hit the fan for me there was nobody, not a soul.

Nobody cared or even wanted to know where I was or what happened to me or even asked about what I was going through. They began to talk shit and spread slanderous rumours about me which really dent my spirit. People closest to me became strangers and began to avoid and ignore me. I was deeply saddened by all this loss and all the stuff I went through. It was probably the worst few years of my life. I just wish people didn’t form judgements of others.

Especially judgements based on other people’s judgements and opinions. I wish people were more empathetic, understood other people’s perspectives more and thought deeply about things instead of just going by other people’s words. But you can’t change the world, you can only change yourself. The people who have stuck around despite everything are golden, so my faith in the world has been restored. This is for people in general and not her, I’m sure she’s smart enough to form her own informed opinions. She’s really smart and talented.

Anyway coming back, the bottle didn’t leave me, I was drinking heavily every single day for about two years. Just to deal with the pain, the loss, the regret. Every. Single. Day.

I messaged her a few times and I wanted to meet her. But I would get piss drunk and pass out and forget. I hated my thoughts. I would do anything to just not think. After a certain point alcohol did that.

Maybe if I just looked her in the eyes, those beautiful black eyes of hers and dissolve in them, I would find peace and that was the hope. That’s what I look for. It just has to disappear, all the bullshit when I look into a girl’s eyes.

I couldn’t be my true self all the time because of my thoughts. Some of my thoughts made me sick to the core. Until I finally learned and understood that thoughts weren’t me but just random chemical reactions in my brain. But at that stage, I just hadn’t found myself and peace within. I wasn’t at all my true self or at peace and happy. So how could I meet her? I didn’t want her to see me like that.

We connected a few times online and I found out she was in my city so I got her number and made plans to meet but I was in a bad place in the head back then so I didn’t want to go ahead and meet her and maybe that disappointed her. There was always something there but I didn’t realise it, I always had a huge crush on her. I loved her voice and the way she spoke to me, her eyes were magnetic and her hair was perfect. Her smile made me smile inside and her intelligence was something I was very drawn towards the little I met her. I wish I met her more but it didn’t happen. We always met at concerts for some reason. Without ever speaking to each other, it was probably the universe or at least I like to think so.

I remember thinking to myself about how pretty she looked as she moved to the music, She was different and I wanted to get to know her but I didn’t because I was lost in the past and in mistakes and suffering. It was a confusing time for me. She probably heard a lot of shit about me and I didn’t know what she thought about me so I let it slide.

However in the following years, I would still fail a bit more in my business and work but I persevered in the end, I saw the light, I pieced my life back together – by myself, I connected deep within myself, I found my soul. I got completely clean, I had time to think and contemplate and go within because I was out of work for about 3-4 months and that was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Since then I’m just focused on being the best version of myself and doing things that resound with my soul – music and writing. I don’t really need people that much. But it would be nice to find someone to love selflessly other than myself.

I found out from a friend that she was seeing someone and I just sighed and let go, like everything in my life. My thoughts, my experiences, people, the highs and lows, I just let everything go. I tried though and I’m still trying to get through to make her see that what people think of me isn’t true. But it just looks like another closed door and not a new beginning or I just don’t know, which is sad. Because I’ve always thought about this girl at the back of my head and subconsciously in dreams and stuff but never paid any attention to it because of the clouded state of my head. But now that I have much more clarity it’s eye-opening.

Love should be something real for a change, it has to be a real two-way connection on a spiritual level not just physical. I haven’t found that yet because every time I want to get to know someone I come on a bit too strong or something, but that’s just me “To be yourself is all that you can do” – Chris Cornell, RIP.

If I like someone I’m going to let them know assertively because that’s just how I am. I’m sick and tired of taking it slow, thinking about what to say and playing it like a game. I’m sick of mind games, I’m sick off all these social constructed ‘ways’ of doing things. If I feel something I’m going to say it and I’m going to do what I feel. If that’s not good enough or if that’s met with judgement and scorn then I guess she’s not for me. Because I just don’t want to be judged by someone I like a lot. It’s happened to me before so that’s not something I’d like to experience again.

I just wish I was this clear in the head about everything back then, especially when she was in my city. But I guess life is a learning curve and a slow gaining of wisdom by experience. Maybe I just shouldn’t try to love anyone and let it all come to me. You know just be myself, do my thing and let it unfold and happen the way it does.

I’ve been thinking about her a lot for the last eight or nine months for some reason, like every day and hey, this girl is a gem. I don’t know why but I always liken her to Audrey Hepburn for some reason. She’s a star and she can sing, but sadly I’ve never heard her sing. She loves music and Radiohead and that’s a huge connection. Maybe we can’t work things out and meet for whatever reason but at least I tried. I guess I’ll always want to get to know you. She’s a strong, smart, thoughtful, independent and really pretty lady and I wish her all the best.

Congratulations on your recent achievement, I’m sure you put a lot of hard work into it.

Instant Crush.

Take care.

Meet me some time 🙂
We can chill.

The stuff below is for you… dedications #lilbit

PS – I asked a friend for your address to buy flight tickets to Paris and send them to you along with a couple of dresses to wear but he told me you were dating and you blocked me so I guess it’s alright. I think you write really well and much much better than me.

This is another one I wrote in like Feb or Jan or something.

Keep the poems, at least that’s something that’ll make you think of me, for what it’s worth 😉

These are the songs I always thought of you while listening to for some reason:
1.A Perfect Circle – Brena (I always smile when this comes on)
2. The Doors – We could be so good together
3. The Black Keys – Midnight In Her Eyes
4. Richard Ashcroft – On A Beach
5. Porcupine Tree – Blackest Eyes
6. Richard Ashcroft – Weeping Willow
7. The Verve – You and Me
8. Tool – Jimmy( I like to think of 11 as 2011 when I first met you)

They’re all in the playlist I made for you to chill to.

This is a tiny dedication I made for you today and yesterday:

And this is the playlist:

Chill out.

Find peace. Try to not think.

Bye

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Third Full Month With Instruments and a lot of improvement

Hey all, here are the recent 1 minute covers I’ve made on Instagram along with some originals. Here they are please do tell me what you think and how I can improve with each instrument. Any tips by pros would be welcome. I’m just a beginner. I still can’t chord change on the guitar as fast as I would like so tips on how to do that would be amazing. I’m applying to music school so I have a year to get good. Please help me if you know how to play either instrument.

Radiohead – Videotape

The Vaselines (covered by Nirvana) – Jesus don’t want me for sunbeam

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"Jesus doesn't want me for a sunbeam", originally by a Scottish band called The Vaselines which was made popular by Nirvana when they performed it at their legendary MTV Unplugged performance in New York. Its got some mistakes and I could've put a better take but was too lazy being 1.30 am n all. The 2 n a half week break hasn't helped. Its been 3 months and I need to improve much much more. Hope I can improve significantly in the next 3 coz time isn't exactly on my side lol. Anyway happy easter Sunday to believers, non believers and everyone in between. Just for the record, Jesus surely doesn't want me for a sunbeam…. #nirvana #thevaselines #cover #jesusdoesntwantmeforasunbeam #jesus #easter #song #beginner #guitarist

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Oasis – Live Forever

Alice in Chains – Frogs (unplugged)

Original – Daughter of Nothing

Radiohead – Exit Music (For a Film)

Porcupine Tree – Trains

Red Hot Chili Peppers – Californication (intro)

Eddie Vedder – Out Of Sand (backing vocals and rhythm practice)

Thanks a ton for watching!

Cheers !

See the upside in the downside – Poetry and Quotes + Sets For Sundays – Episode #024

Life is a funny proposition, it throws you down suddenly every time you’re up and feeling great. Everyone must, in this life, experience downs but it’s what you make out of it and what you learn out of it that counts.

Be smart and see the good side of it. At least you’re not broke and needing to feed a family of children. Be grateful of your beginnings and family protecting and caring for you. Make peace with them if there are misunderstandings. It’s hard, believe me, I know but thank them everyday and live your life.

See the good side of everything, it’s a lessson and a path to something more, something better. Life is funny, it makes you strong and prepared for the future by making you go through struggles.

Parents, don’t raise your kids by spoiling them with whatever they want, it only makes them dependent on you. Chances are if they’re raised rich they will end up being horrible human beings. They’ll feel entitled and have egos and not think about the people who struggle. I’ve met a lot of such people but I don’t associate with them too much.

People who get drunk and abuse or fight with waiters and the little guys threatening them saying their dads will do harm to them and stuff if they don’t get their way. They’re just doing their jobs trying to feed their family.  So stop being entitled pricks. Nobody is entitled to anything. We just play with the hands that are dealt when we’re born. It could’ve been you in their position, so put yourself in people’s shoes. They are people too, who are doing their jobs and trying to make ends meat. Treat people equally and well.

Keep your kids broke and make them work hard to earn money and make a living for themselves. They’ll understand life better that way.

See the up in the downs. If you’re going through something talk to people about it. You’ll find a way out. Help people and don’t expect anything in return. The ones who will help you out when you need it might be the most unlikely ones. But yes – help people, as much as you can. Live a life of meaning.

I wrote this quote last week and I thought I’ll share it with you. Here are some quotes and poems for you to read.

And music has some great lyrics at times

Here are some poems I wrote last week. They just pop up in my head(I don’t know why) so I put them together and write them down.

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Homecoming's Planet. A bit more classical. Meaning – the first line signifies in two words what Aldous Huxley wrote about the eliminative nature of our brain and nervous system giving us just a trickle of consciousness to perceive necessary for our survival as mammals on this planet. The next lines refer to the countless lives our soul has lived in the analogy 'games we have played' and dreams we have dreamt all leading to our battle with life and its good and bad moments and the elements of life itself. Theres is time for everything ups and downs. Using the analogy soldiers of/with mettle it must surely lead to finding ourselves and a home and love on this planet. Yet how insignificant are we in the grand scheme of the cosmos. It ends hinting at my firm belief that we are not alone in the universe. We don't even know if the universe is finite or infinite so surely there is life somewhere we just don't know. There's a meaning for each poem. Just thought ill share this with its meaning. Cheers! Gn #poem #poems #poetry #gauravkrishnan #endlessnight #book #outidunnowhen #poemsporn #poetsofig #poetssociety #poetrycommunity #poetsofinstagram #poetryofinstagram #poetsofinsta #poet #poets #poemsoflife

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Requiem for the nightmare . . . Slightly dark but honestly sometimes I look at the world around me and think.. "Is this it? Is this all we're here for? Make money and die? Why? Its a fucking nightmare. " People kill. People change. People do things all for money. don't be like them. Be simple. You don't need 90% of the shit ads tell you. Do more. Find your soul. Grow spiritually. Spirituality is not god its connecting with your soul. Help people. Touch their lives. Do more than address selfish desires. Do more meaningful things. Peace #poem #poems #poetry #gauravkrishnan #endlessnight #book #outidunnowhen #poemsporn #poetsofig #poetssociety #poetrycommunity #poetsofinstagram #poetryofinstagram #poet #poets #poemsoflife #poetsofig #poetssociety #poetrycommunity #poetsofinstagram #poetryofinstagram #words #dailywords #wordporn #wordsofinstagram #writer #writersofig #writersofinstagram #spiritualwritings #spiritialpoem #requiem #requiemforthenightmare

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In metanoia Metanoia – *noun* A change in ones way of life resulting from repentance or spiritual conversion . . . . Also a #porcupinetree album name. This is about a monologue in the head of the struggle between letting go of past experiences and mistakes and working towards a changed present and brand new life. Something I think, a lot of people can relate to. #poem #poems #poetry #gauravkrishnan #endlessnight #book #outidunnowhen #poemsporn #poetsofig #poetssociety #poetrycommunity #poetsofinstagram #poetryofinstagram #poem #poesy #poet #poets #poemsoflife #poetsofinstagram #poetsofinstagram #poetsofig #poemstagram #poemsofinsta #poemsofinstagram #words #dailywords #wordporn #life #lifepoetry #poetryisnotdead #indianpoet #wordsforthemoments

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I hope you like them.

And onto the music for this weekend. Here is what music means to me in this little picture.

Here is a playlist I made on Thursday that’s super calm and a bit melancholic but it’s soothing nonetheless.

And here are a couple of the latest beat-tapes on #BOMBEATS

And Here is the morning playlist

Enjoy the music! Feel it ! 🙂

And enjoy the moments life! ups or downs.

Here are some tweets by the Dalai Lama

Here is how I look just to put a face to things hehe 😛

Cheers!

Take care