Longing

This soul inside this body,
A trapped life source,
Trying to find meaning,
Yearning for belonging,
Searching for purpose,
Centuries old soul,
It is immortal,
Yet another life it must lead,
In my form

This face and body is but a vessel,
An object,
Numb and full of holes,
Make me one of peace,
Encompassed and empty within,
How many more years must this soul go on?
I feel it’s tiredness,
I feel it’s weariness,
Am I supposed to chase this paper for the rest of my life?
For what? What will that get me?
Things?
And then what?

Happiness they say is life’s purpose
But isn’t it just a chemical reaction in my brain?
Therein lies all my problems,
The harm of being too logical,
The harm of thinking,
The life source is fading slowly,
The will is weak,

What is the cure?
I cannot think of anything but her.
I was happy once.
I was in love once.
I was alive once.

Inside I want to fall through a vortex,
I want to fall to the floor,
I want to be able to feel something,
Something, Anything,
Not this numbness,
I want to feel again.
I want to feel again.
I want to feel human.

Inside I want to be able to cry.
But I can’t.
I just can’t get tears to fill my eyes.
It has been years,
I cannot feel human anymore.

Inside I want to crumble,
Inside I want to break down,
In her arms,
In her arms do I belong,
On her bosom does lie my place,
Home is in her eyes,
Love is in her kiss,
Kindness is in her words,

I cannot go on,
I cannot go on,

I feel anger.
Anger at myself.
Anger at my old self.
I look at the cuts on my arms,
They remind of my attempts to feel.

I am numb.
I am stone.
I am cold blooded.
I am some kind of abomination.

I wish I was like you.
I wish I could feel.

I was alive once.
I felt once.
It was all for her.

She has changed.
She has become numb too.
But a different kind of numb.
Her silence is her numbness.

We long for each other in every breath.
But we remain apart, torn, miserable.
Yet we go on.

What other choice do we have?

I heard on the radio that there was a flood in her city.
Perhaps the heavens were crying on my behalf.
Or that’s what I like to think.

This heart keeps beating.
For her.
Destiny beckons.
And my soul whispers in silence,
Fight, Live, Take it.

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